I Try to Forgive Myself

I’ve been putting quite a bit of pressure on myself recently.  I had a slip last night that makes me angry at myself quite a bit.  I got drunk.  I went out and had fun instead of going to bed at 8 PM and I’m going to pay for it all day today.

I left a note in my idea folder that I have to forgive myself once in a while.  That was some good advice.  I’m running 1000 mph most days between my writing and my day job, and I’m pushing myself incredibly hard to make sure I hit my goals.  I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life before this year by not writing, that I’ve been a complete taskmaster to keep on the path.  But today, I’ll have to adjust to get my daily writing in, and that’s OK.  I’m forgiving myself because I am making progress.  I deserved a night off.

It’s so easy to get focused too much on your goals, and ignore things that are right in front of you, or right around you.  With all this stress we put on ourselves, we have to take a step back and enjoy the little successes.  Give yourself a break.  If you screw up, like I did last night, it’s a small setback.  Hell, it’s not even a setback, I’m just disappointed in myself for making a decision after drinking.  I know better.  But again, I have to let it go because I’ve been doing great.  It’s what you do most of the time that matters, not what you do once in a while.

So if you can’t write every single day, that’s OK.  Work with what you have.  I’ve been able to stick to my routine because I’ve bullied myself.  But you don’t have to do that to be successful.  Everyone’s idea of success is different.  I’m trying to prove something to myself, or possibly to someone else out there, I’m not 100% sure.  But I do know that, if I look back at what I’ve done so far this year, it’s pretty impressive, at least I think it is, and that’s all that matters.  I’m trying to be kind to myself as a reward for all the hard work.

Plus, I know that I have to snap right back into it tomorrow, so there’s no use carrying around a grudge against myself.  It’s counter-productive, first of all.  I need to keep motivating myself, and a night out getting stupid might just have been the shot in the arm I needed.

I can’t seem to let it go

It wasn’t, though.  It was a deviation from the plan, and it irritates me.  But, I can and have to live with it.  It didn’t do me any harm except for some innocent brain cells and some cash.  I’ll be hung over all day today, and probably drag ass tomorrow because I was awake for 24 hours straight yesterday.  That will catch up to me.  And I will grin and bear it.  I actually look forward to my morning sessions now, even when I know I’m going to be busted-ass tired like I will be tomorrow morning.  But good stuff normally comes out of me being tired and beat.  We shall see.

It’s important to chase your goals in a methodical way if you want to achieve them.  It’s the daily grind that gets you there.  Grind plus time, that’s what does the trick.  Plus, after grinding for a while, you can give yourself some credit on what you’ve accomplished.  I’m trying to let myself off the hook here, but it turns out to be easier to say than to do. I’m still frustrated with myself.  I can control myself, I chose not to.  It’s like dealing with a stubborn child, and it infuriates me that it happened.  So how does one truly let go and forgive?  I can tell myself, “It’s OK,” but I’m still upset.  I suppose time heals all so this will fade.  My initial thought here was to be nice to myself, but I just can’t seem to do that today.

So over the next few days, I’ll keep telling myself that it’s OK, no harm no foul, and I’m sure I’ll be all over this by tomorrow morning.  But now I’m curious as to why I can’t seem to let certain things go.  This isn’t the first time I’ve had something in my craw that I can’t let alone.  It happens.  Not a whole lot, but it does happen more often than I’d like.

I am afraid

I think it’s fear.  I’m afraid that I’ll go back to my old habits, go back to my time-wasting ways – so I’m being harder on myself to make sure it doesn’t happen anymore.  Even a slip-up like yesterday is unacceptable now.  I won’t go back.  I won’t become a couch potato, a gamer again, a lazy consumer.  Not me, no more.   But I will slip up.  It’s gonna happen.  I am only human, and that’s the part I need to keep telling myself.  Just because I slip up once doesn’t mean all is lost.  It can’t undo all the work I’ve done up to this point.  I still fantasize about looking back in a few years to see all the work I’ve accomplished.  Let’s hope somewhere in there is something worthwhile.  Because that’s why I’m doing this.  Not only to create but to create something I’m proud of.  To create something that makes all the harshness worthwhile.  To be proud of something that I created myself.

I’m amazed how much I operate from a place of fear.  I need to put that in my ideas folder to analyze.  I think we spend a lot of our time trying not to be like something, but it’s fear that’s motivating us, nothing else.  But whatever helps us get our goals, I suppose works, even if I have to really question the idea of being driven by fear.  That just doesn’t sound like a healthy way to go about one’s day.

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Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

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