Vegan Zombies

One of the strangest things to come out of the Zombie Apocalypse, well, besides actual Zombies, is the reality of “Vegan” Zombies.  We now see that Zombies were foreseen, even predicted, or perhaps had existed all along like many of the other childhood “monsters” that we’re seeing exist these days.  However, while the creation of the Zombies (and other monsters) isn’t completely clear or known, no one predicted the “Vegan” variation.

As it turns out, strong convictions in normal life carry over into the Zombie existence, or at least they can if your predilections are strong enough.  This gave rise to the California Zombie Army, and while they are a significant portion of the general California population, they’re generally barely more nuisance than a groundhog, gopher or rabbit tearing through one’s garden.

The Zombies who had refused to eat meat while they were alive, now spend their time frantically searching for “grains” instead of “brains.”  While the media has overplayed the “brains versus grains” theme, the reality is that Vegan Zombie’s biases were so ingrained in their living psyche that even in Zombie-hood they won’t eat animal products.  No one ever predicted the benefit of vegetarianism to the whole of humanity.

Posthumous (or post-Zombie) Nobel Peace Prizes have been awarded to prominent Vegan Zombies to recognize their overall contribution, even though they are totally unaware of the awards due to being Zombies.  As I’m sure you’re aware, the complete removal of livestock from the traditional food chain has reversed the trend of a warming climate that was prevalent in the last century.  As it turns out, it was all due to cow farts.

The challenge now being of course, how to tell the two types of Zombies apart.  From a distance, Vegan Zombies look just like normal Zombies.  There’s less blood, but honestly, who’s going to get that close to check?  This has caused the popular practice of “tossing one’s carrots” to see if the Zombie will chase veggies, or keep coming for the thrower.

The cottage industry that has been created around the tasteful vegetable bowl container that fits into one’s overall home decor is another phenomenon that no one called.  Billionaires were made overnight as the non-Zombie hordes clicked until their fingers bled to get a hold of a way to store their veggies close to the front door.  It’s become some sort of bizarro-world “Trick or Treat,” but with real Zombies, and cute crystal or china vases designed to chill and store one’s veggies for quick access.

The carrot industry has done well, too.  Carrots are generally better at being thrown and more aerodynamic than cruciferous vegetables, although the carrot farms look more like high-security prisons than farms these days.  While fruits are even better suited for throwing, they just don’t seem to be as popular with the Zombie hordes.  The CDC is still investigating why Zombies are not attracted to fruits.

Unfortunately, the Vegan Zombies have proven a real bane to home gardeners of all types.  Famished Vegan Zombies have even been known to ravage colorful flower gardens when more traditional vegetables aren’t available.  Research is still being conducted to determine if this is with all Vegan Zombies or just a few who were drastically committed to alternative healing methods and the powers of various flowering plants.  Also curious is the aversion to tofu or other “non-meat” alternatives.  Those have proven to be unsatisfying even to Vegan Zombies.  Kale has suffered a similar fate, although domestic production has greatly increased since it’s the one vegetable that you can grow at home and be sure no pest will ever bother it.  So people have been forced into eating kale, not unlike before Zombies roamed the Earth, albeit for a different reason.

As more and more Zombies are created, without a full understanding of the root cause of the infection that causes Zombism (Mortuus Olus), there have been reported cases of other extreme behaviors being held onto after the body has transitioned into the “undead” state.  Texas Zombies are incensed by college school bumper stickers and are more difficult to relocate out of state than in other states, hence creating the necessity of the Western “Zombie Zone Zoo” in the vast empty area between San Antonio and El Paso.  This, of course, was created when famed rock group “ZZ Top” and 1000 of their fans were all converted to Zombies after a show one night in San Antonio.  Hence the play on their group name. ZZ Top still retain their ridiculous beards, and Billy Gibbons walks around saying, “How-a how-a how-a how-a,” continually.

Interestingly, Vegan Zombies seem to be a much more American problem than a European one.  In Europe, where vegetarians definitely exist, but without the sense of social justice that American vegetarians adopted, Vegan Zombies simply don’t aren’t found.  Although the caste issue in Europe has caused its own subcategory of Zombies.  Zombie Butlers will never attack their own families and have virtually eliminated the concept of a guard dog in the upper classes.  Similarly, British Zombies refuse to eat anyone out of their own social ranking, having developed an extreme sense of knowing where one’s place is in life. More research is still needed to fully understand how the Zombies are able to make these distinctions.  UK Zombies also refuse to eat royalty, and the few royal Zombies can’t be bothered with commoners.  They seem to be able to sustain themselves with tea and biscuits.

And of course, German Zombies still drink a lot of beer, but they are generally good at following directions as long as it’s expressed to them as a “rule.”  All of the Spanish Zombies just lay around and wait for people to come to them, and French Zombies only search out the best restaurants and patrons to pillage, but still have an arrogance one doesn’t see with other non-French Zombies. Of course, they still refuse to understand language, even if it’s spoken to them in perfect French.  This is particularly true with the Parisian Zombies but has been spreading throughout the French countryside as well.  Cause unknown, but being monitored carefully, because this would imply that there’s a way to influence Zombie behavior to turn it to our liking.  Much more research needs to be done in this area.

No research exists for Japanese zombies, as they have run rampant and started killing everyone, regardless of social class or dietary predilections.  The island has been closed and abandoned for some time.  There are some reports, corroborated by satellite photos, of Japanese Zombies having some sort of ritual with the failed nuclear power plant in Fukushima.  The photos show a few million glowing zombies crowded around the immediate area.  Again, the island has been abandoned since it’s thought that anyone who had survived infection would soon be dead from radiation poisoning.  Zombies, however, seem to be amused by the effects of radiation on the Zombie body.  It would appear similar to tickling, also not corroborated, however.

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Image courtesy of Pixabay

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