Dear Random Eater Behind Me

Dear sir,

I actually only assume you are a sir because I can’t fathom a female making such noises, but to be completely fair and equal in this overly sensitive world, I will reword my salutation to “to whom it may concern”.

I have eaten in public for much of my 48 years in the world.  I have not, however, encountered someone as clearly noisy as yourself.  While  I will be the first to admit that mouth noises while eating are a particular pet peeve of mine, your noisy behavior isn’t limited to those created by the mouth only.  Far from it.  You have enjoyed many, many videos on your cell phone during your brief stay, but you have used your table and every single item on that table as a percussive instrument.  And to some extent, I should applaud you, I really have never heard such clamor from a rather sparse table at IHOP before.

So here’s a list of questions that have popped into my mind while listening to you behind me:

  1. Were you aware that sound travels?
  2. Did you know you could pick up a(n) (insert table item here, fork, spoon, plate, cup, salt shaker, etc.) without slamming it down on the table?
  3. Did you know that two items slammed together also can be avoided?
  4. Were you aware that audible sighs are not getting you the attention you obviously want, so you should probably search elsewhere?

I’m happy to report that my own biased views were completely shattered when I looked over my shoulder to see what beast had sat down behind me.  But I’m not happy because this individual didn’t stick to a stereotype, so how am I to spot similar uncouth mother——s in the future?  Stereotypes save lives.  Really.

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